Learning to Sing - Confidence and the Callous Word

This is why I teach people to sing.

On Monday, I started teaching the first of the singing class series at Howard Community College.

As part of the intro, I ask the students to tell me their names and their singing history.

One of the students, an older lady (I'd say early 70s easily) told the following story.

"I was born in England. I met my husband there when I was a teenager. He was a singer and musician and he said he had perfect pitch. We fell in love. I sang a lot in choirs in and in school before I met him, but regardless, I felt a little nervous singing in front of him. He was always critical of singers and had high standards and that scared me some. After a few years of knowing him, I finally got up the courage to sing in front of him. After I finished, he said nothing. I had expected some sort of small compliment, even if he were to just be polite. He said nothing. So, I said, 'I've been told I should get some vocal training.' He replied, 'With a voice like that, you should let it run wild. Training won't help it.' I was devastated and I stopped singing. I have not sung in front of other people and certainly not him since that day. And I decided to take this class because it's time to sing again."

We all applauded her decision to try again and I talked a good bit about how much our confidence in our singing voices can be shaken by a callous word.

Later that evening, as part of the class, I wanted to listen to her sing to make sure she was applying the technique I wanted her to apply.

"Are you willing to sing a little by yourself?" I asked.

"Not by myself, no."

"Ok. I'll sing with you."

"All right. If you sing with me, I'll try it."

We sang "Sing and Rejoice" which is the song I was teaching them in order for them to apply the techniques we were learning. She and I sang it together a few times. Each time through the song (it's short), I sang more and more quietly until I was just mouthing the words along with her. She sang, by herself, and it was a sweet and glorious sound.

After she was done, one of the other students said, "You can *sing*!"

We all applauded. Tears sprang in her eyes. All she said was "thank you."

For best results, know it internally

I just wrote the following as a comment to a friend asking for adjectives/attributes that describe him as part of a process he is going through. I'm hoping he takes it in the manner in which it was intended but regardless, I stand behind what I wrote. I believe those kinds of "I am awesome, terrific, wonderful, kind, happy, diligent..." affirmations only work when we truly believe them about ourselves. Having other people tell us what they think is a nice validation, but I'm not sure it truly helps the process other than to give us an external salve for what is truly an internal issue. In other words, for me, it would be nice to hear that people think I'm terrific/awesome/amazing, etc., but it would not help me internalize it.

I don't believe in the, "well other people think I'm great, therefore I must be great" paradigm. I don't think that paradigm works in the long run. I do believe in affirmations. I believe us telling ourselves that we rock really can and does help us change our perceptions of ourselves. But, I don't believe that other people's opinions ultimately do that. They might help make us feel better/good in the short term, but they are still external and don't get at the root of the issue which is inside ourselves (and in my opinion is about our lack of sense of self, self-acceptance, self-love, and feeling deserving of the good stuff). We have to accept how amazing we are internally. Everything else is ultimately window-dressing and doesn't help change our innermost perceptions of ourselves. That's the trouble with external validation. If you keep relying on it, you will keep relying on it, if you see what I mean. You won't ever really get to that point of standing on your own in your belief about how wonderful you are. You will keep waiting for someone else to tell you and if that someone isn't there or doesn't give it to you, it can be devastating.

--comment--

"I'm going to give you a serious, not snarky, answer, but I'm not going to give you adjectives. You know how incredible I think you are. The thing is, imo, the exercise that your coach gave is one in you believing it. And thinking about the adjectives that will describe you, giving yourself permission to believe them, and then embrace them, and then shout them from the rooftops of your personal awesomeness has to come from within. So, I encourage you to read the great answers people are writing but then to let go of all of those. Take some time and pick the best ones you can think of and then let them sink in and become part of your view of yourself. While other people's descriptions can help here, it's really an internal process of you accepting those attributes being part of you. No external source will truly help you do that. It's an internal process, and it's one I know you will not only handle but you will also master. Sending you love."

--end comment--