Course Correcting: Changing Dreams Call For Changing Goals

Tonight, I will be creating a brand new vision board. For those who don't know what one is, it is a focusing tool, usually some sort of paper, that you create to clarify your goals and foci. A physical board can be a piece of paper on which you draw or glue pictures of your goals or dreams. You can also create a Pinterest page with the images that illustrate your vision of what you want to achieve and/or how you want your life to be. It can take whatever form you choose.

I prefer a physical piece of cardboard or paper onto which I glue my dreams and goals. Tonight, I will take a piece of bright, blue construction paper and glue cut-outs of the pics below onto it. The old board comes down, and the new one replaces it. That's because as my goals shift, as I develop new ideas on how I want to proceed with my life, I create new boards. Some of my images remain constant. For example, my relationship with my husband, and the health and well-being of my critters always have a presence in my board. However, other goals evolve. Some goals grow and take on a bigger importance in my life. Others recede and become either less important or are ones I have achieved and can therefore release.

Here are today's images. I will explain each, because it helps me solidify in my own mind what I will move towards in the coming visualization cycle.

 

At the top left is my husband, Rich, on our recent trip to Iceland. I envision even deeper love, laughter, travel and grand adventures for us.

Next is our fantastic dog, Hatha. His continued health and wellness are part of my goals and dreams.

To the right of Hatha is the super model and one of my idols, Ashley Graham. She has taken the world by storm. Someday, I'd love to buy her a cup of coffee and chat with her. #beautybeyondsize. 

To the right of Ms. Graham, is an image of a healthy thyroid. I dream of a day when my thyroid is healthy and works at peak efficiency. And I work towards that dream by eating well, releasing stress and doing yoga and/or Tai Chi.

At the end of the top row is a female martial artist (specifically Tai Chi in this image but any martial arts practice will do). I am a martial artist, and I want to keep deepening that practice either with Tai Chi, which I've been playing for over 20 years or aikido in which I am a black belt but which I have been unable to practice regularly for the last few years.

The second row shows the covers from my two most recent books, The Fiddler's Talisman and The Piano's Key. I envision these stories going out into the world and igniting the interest of millions of people who love music, magic, fairies, and exciting fantasy stories.

The next image is of the Earth. I envision continuing and growing my work as the Earth Lady. I will work with students of all ages to help them learn how to be aware of and care for the Earth.

To the right of the Earth is a not-so-secret dream of having my books be on the New York Times best seller list. The Dream Forging image that appears just below that is about the Dream Forging journal project I'm developing. It will be out in the next few months, and it will help people develop an easy way to determine and forge their dreams.

I also really want to give TED Talks. I'll do it. This, I promise.

The next row brings my kitties, Ninja, Pyro, and Kimba, or as I like to refer to them, The Neapolitan Kitties.

The next two images are of places I want to travel. I have a deep need to hang out on the Amalfi Coast. And I also have a deep need to see bioluminescent algae (this can be in Puerto Rico on the Maldives or any other place in the world I can travel). 

The next image is of something I have wanted to incorporate for a long time - a deep meditation practice. I meditate every day, but I want to get further. I want to delve deeper.

The next image is an image I took when Rich and I were on Grand Cayman a few years ago. It highlights play (which I want more of), the turquoise waters of the Caribbean (which I want to visit more often), and Grand Cayman itself to which I want to return sometime very soon.

The phrases are my mantras. "Go at your own pace but show up" is how I get things done. I might not be the fastest, but I sure will meet everyone at the finish line.

The last phrase is one I say to myself every morning at the end of my meditation. I envision my day, and yet I remain open to what else might come. So, "This or something better" allows room for something greater than what I visualized. It leaves me room to breathe and expand.

When I'm done creating the vision board, I will hang it up near my desk. Then, whenever I need inspiration or when I simply need to check in with myself and make sure I am moving towards my dreams, I will be able to look at the board and get immediate feedback on the goals I set up. I allow for the goals to change, sometimes daily, so I can course correct at any time. I can add pictures or remove them. Or, I can do like I will this evening and create an entirely new vision board. This course correction allows me the same freedom that "This or something better" allows. It gives me room to grow.

The winding staircase of the road to self-acceptance

After reading a few articles this morning, I came to a dead stop and asked myself an important question. Exactly what am I trying to do when I work to accept myself? I don't mean just the "I'm OK, You're OK," notion. Yes, on many levels, life would be much better if we could all just live and let live and accept that even with all our flaws, we are all okay. But that isn't exactly what I talking about. Tangentially, if we could release some of the inherent guilt so many of us feel when we stop and think of the things we haven't yet accomplished, achieved, or become, life would indeed be much easier (here, I have to add, that accepting that doesn't mean to stop striving). What I was wondering is exactly which momentous battle(s) are we fighting when we trudge through the mine-filled lands of our own inner terrains to come out the other side with the self-perception that we are okay (and dare I say it, wonderful) just as we are?

To me, it does feel like a battle sometimes. I feel like I'm battling demons from my youngest days. I feel there were so many moments in my formative years where I didn't get the support I needed. In fact, I instead received mainly derision and the information that I would never amount to anything. Fighting through those pervasive thoughts took everything I had when I was young. I pushed through and persevered (and learned a lot about my determination in the process), but I have never forgotten and will likely never forget those words left scars. What's more, those words and their results have dictated my behavior in ways that only years of self-study have allowed me to see. I'm still learning to recognize them when they sneak up on me, but I do realize they are there.

The thing is that as I've gotten older, I've put those scars and behaviors in perspective. I've even realized that like a broken bone that has healed stronger where it was shattered, some of the damage inflicted on me has made me stronger and more capable than I otherwise would have been. This in no way excuses the behavior that created my situation, but it does help me handle and deal with the processes that have allowed me to accept many parts of myself.

Over time, I have come to realize that as an adult, my life is my own. I could cry, scream, and rail against the opportunities I didn't get, or the ways I've been changed by how I was treated. In the end though, it would not alter anything. This life, my life, is where I find myself. Today, now, is what my history has brought me. Yes, I could beat my hands bloody against the walls I still face (and of course, I still do have my personal, seemingly impenetrable walls), or I could realize that each wall presents a challenge. It calls on me to rise to it, to scale it, to make it my own. 

As soon as I stake my claim, it ceases to be a wall and becomes a simple step on the winding staircase of my personal journey. Each wall helps me move on to the next phase. It gives me information as to who I am and why I think what I think, feel what I feel, and do what I do. Now, as I make peace with it on some of the deepest levels of my being, I am finding I like that being. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a pretty big deal. 

For years, I buried the unhappy parts of myself. I was the social vortex of my group of friends. I was always ready to raise a ruckus or throw a party, or drive the ten hours each way to run off to New York for the weekend. What I never did was to spend time on introspection. I rose to each challenge not because of what I would learn from it but as way of escaping what I felt about who I was. And what's worse, I let other people dictate to me how I ought to perceive myself. Their opinions, like those of people in my formative years, left me reeling. But I never acted like they did. I acted like it was water off a duck's back. Thing is even if the water flows off, the duck still gets wet, and it took me years to realize that.

When I had differences with people, I let them be vocal. I kept quiet. I didn't raise a hand in my defense. Likely, I should have, because it cost me friendships with people who heard only one side of the story (a post on charismatic drama queen friendships will be coming soon). I am still working through why I didn't stand up for myself, but that tale is one for another day. Interestingly, that paradigm ended up better for me. The people who didn't ask me for my side of the story, the people who didn't want to be friends with me because of what they'd heard, were not the people of my heart, anyway. In the moment, I didn't know that and it hurt, but over the long haul, it was the best possible move. Nowadays, when I spend time with dear loved ones, I know that is what and who they really are. And that is much better.

It has also forged me into a warrior for defending those can't defend themselves and someone who claims the right to be loved and to feel good about myself (encouraging others to do the same about themselves). Do I always succeed? No. Will I keep trying? You bet your ass!

A few years ago, a dear friend was going through trauma with a partner. Part of the problem was that some of his attitudes made her feel insecure and bad about herself. She told me that one night, I came to her in a dream and I said the following words: "Stacy,* if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, get rid of him." Wow, I was thrilled to even be associated with something so badass, even if only in the dream state. If someone in your life is saying or doing things that make you feel less than, then it's time to either take a stand or let that person go. People who undermine your sense of self aren't helpers in your life. They aren't supporters. They are destabilizers. If someone really wants to help you, she or he will tell you the truth, certainly, but will still support you in your struggle. Sometimes, we have to make some bad mistakes in order to learn. Those who love us will still be there even in the aftermath.

A pivotal moment in the movie, "Bridget Jones' Diary" occurs when Mark Darcy tells her he likes her, just as she is. He floors her with that comment. No one has ever said anything like that to her. It is so shocking because it is so rare. And let's face it, how often do any of us hear that?  More importantly, how often do we say it to ourselves? Because that's key, isn't it? In order to truly believe it, accept it, live it, and be it, we need to say it to ourselves!

So, I encourage you to take a second, stand up and away from the computer, and say it aloud to yourself. "I like me, very much, just as I am." And if it feels weird, that's because it is unfamiliar. The more you say it, the more comfortable it will become. And that will make all the difference.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZu2JfM2Aq8 (Bridget Jones' Diary clip)

*Names are changed.

For best results, know it internally

I just wrote the following as a comment to a friend asking for adjectives/attributes that describe him as part of a process he is going through. I'm hoping he takes it in the manner in which it was intended but regardless, I stand behind what I wrote. I believe those kinds of "I am awesome, terrific, wonderful, kind, happy, diligent..." affirmations only work when we truly believe them about ourselves. Having other people tell us what they think is a nice validation, but I'm not sure it truly helps the process other than to give us an external salve for what is truly an internal issue. In other words, for me, it would be nice to hear that people think I'm terrific/awesome/amazing, etc., but it would not help me internalize it.

I don't believe in the, "well other people think I'm great, therefore I must be great" paradigm. I don't think that paradigm works in the long run. I do believe in affirmations. I believe us telling ourselves that we rock really can and does help us change our perceptions of ourselves. But, I don't believe that other people's opinions ultimately do that. They might help make us feel better/good in the short term, but they are still external and don't get at the root of the issue which is inside ourselves (and in my opinion is about our lack of sense of self, self-acceptance, self-love, and feeling deserving of the good stuff). We have to accept how amazing we are internally. Everything else is ultimately window-dressing and doesn't help change our innermost perceptions of ourselves. That's the trouble with external validation. If you keep relying on it, you will keep relying on it, if you see what I mean. You won't ever really get to that point of standing on your own in your belief about how wonderful you are. You will keep waiting for someone else to tell you and if that someone isn't there or doesn't give it to you, it can be devastating.

--comment--

"I'm going to give you a serious, not snarky, answer, but I'm not going to give you adjectives. You know how incredible I think you are. The thing is, imo, the exercise that your coach gave is one in you believing it. And thinking about the adjectives that will describe you, giving yourself permission to believe them, and then embrace them, and then shout them from the rooftops of your personal awesomeness has to come from within. So, I encourage you to read the great answers people are writing but then to let go of all of those. Take some time and pick the best ones you can think of and then let them sink in and become part of your view of yourself. While other people's descriptions can help here, it's really an internal process of you accepting those attributes being part of you. No external source will truly help you do that. It's an internal process, and it's one I know you will not only handle but you will also master. Sending you love."

--end comment--

Today's Tarot: Ace of Cups (emotion, intuition, love)

Yay! It's another of my favorite cards in the deck. The Ace of Cups represents that first blush of love, or the spark of intuition that leads you in the right direction. It's always the awareness of what you are feeling right when you are feeling it. It is one of the most optimistic cards in the deck. When you feel those feelings and allow yourself the self-love they inevitably represent, that is when grand adventures in life take place. When you don't, when you ignore or disregard them, that is another  story.

We are disturbingly good at disregarding our feelings. We have them, but we either shy away from them or deny them outright. The Ace of Cups doesn't let us play that debilitating game. It states, for the record, that not only are our feelings valid, but we need to *pay attention*. When you have an emotional reaction to something, anything, that reaction is giving you information. If you don't pay attention to what you are feeling and if you don't honor it, then you are going to cause some sort of dis-ease in your body/mind/heart/spirit system. I can pretty much guarantee it.

So, today, pay attention to your feelings. They are trying to tell you something. And if you follow the path on which they lead you, you will learn, grow, stretch, and fly.

Moving on, I want to give you a quote from A Winter's Bones. "Never asked for what ought to be offered." It's not a fuzzy wuzzy love quote, but I hold that it is true to a great extent. If you feel like you are standing, hat in hand, and hoping/begging/pleading for someone to give you time, attention, love, and if you feel like you are always in that place of wistful anxiety with that person, I would ask you to consider whether or not you need to have that person in your life.

If you look at the image of the card, below, you will see that it is a chalice that is filled or being filled with water. Water, in this case, is our emotion or love. When the Ace is right side up, it is being filled and full of bountiful, beautiful emotions and the spark that ignites them into love. When it is reversed, that cup is upside down, and our emotions and love are being poured out into nothingness until we are empty. So, in addition to feeling the love inside yourself for yourself and others, inherent in the card is a caution not to waste your emotions where they are not wanted or deserved.

If you feel like that is happening, if your intuition taps you on the back of the head, or in your belly that something is off, don't ignore it. Instead, acknowledge it, feel it, and then do something about it.

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Today's Tarot: Knight of Swords (knowledgeable, decisive, opinionated)

Today's Tarot: Knight of Swords (knowledgeable, decisive, opinionated)

Knights in the deck are a funny lot. Regardless of whether or not their suit is active, they themselves act to fulfill the descriptions of their suits. While cups are about our emotions and rods are about our actions, swords are about our decisions and thinking. They call on us to think and then act decisively and logically on that thinking.

When we pull the Knight of Swords, he calls on us approach every situation from a logical perspective. Don't jump to conclusions. Don't make rash decisions. Be like the eagle or the red-tailed hawk. Head on up somewhere distant and get that bird's eye view. You have been, perhaps, lost in the details and not looking at the big picture. Now is the time to actively engage your mind and look at the lay of the land honestly and shrewdly.

Don't wait for someone or something else to make up your mind. You do it. Be certain and then act from that certainty. Be sure and then behave as if that perspective is the most expedient one for you to get what you want. And for heaven's sake, don't assume a thing, especially when it comes to other people's feelings or motivations.

Ultimately, we can't know what those feelings and motivations are unless they tell us and we can be certain that we can believe them (and that they truly know what they are feeling to begin with). Our capacity for self-delusion is monumental. Often, we will say we're okay with something when we're not. The thinking there appears to be that we are supposed to be okay with it and so we say we are. But, and this is a big but if we do that, then we are just opening a future can of worms which will come back and bite us on the butt. If you aren't okay with something, even if you don't know why, don't say that you are okay with it. The truth will come out and get its nasty, sticky mess all over everything. If you are honest and say decisively that you aren't okay with something, why then, even if you don't know why you aren't okay with it, at least the truth is out there and everyone knows it.

That is much, much better than the alternative. Clear, honest decisions will make for a longer term happiness. The murky of pretending you're okay will eventually kick your ass. The choice, as always, is yours.

Today's Tarot: Hierophant (learning, knowledge, information)

Learn and then do. Know and then act. Find out and then react. The Hierophant can be a tough taskmaster. He calls on us to know before we act. That can really cramp your style when all you want to do is jump in and get going. But, often when we do that, instead of coming up with the goose that laid the golden egg, we end up with egg on our faces.

Today isn't the day to take a leap. Instead, today is the day to step back and observe. Note what is going on inside and out. If there is something you don't know, look it up, wait for the information to become available. Ask questions. Study. Seek. Intuit. Know.

If you leap off the cliff before you know whether the water is welcoming or whether there are jagged rocks on which you'll dash yourself, you are taking an unnecessary chance. Many days, I will say, it's worth it. Go for it. Roll the dice. Play the game. Leap. Today, not so much.

At the very least, today I ask you to know your own motivations. Know yourself. Know what you want, need, and desire. If it's a secret want, at least be honest with yourself about it. It does us no good whatsoever to lie to ourselves but oh we can be good at it. Our powers of rationalization kick our own butts all the time. If you see yourself rationalizing, stop. Step back and figure out why you are making excuses for yourself or for others around you. There is information for you even in that place of pulling the wool over your own eyes. Something is making you do it. Figure out what that something is and you will be most of the way to fixing it.

I tell my students to "know the rules before you break them." Never has this been more true than it is today.

Today's Tarot: Seven of Cups (wishes, dreams, options)

Today's Tarot: Seven of Cups

(Dreams, options, wishes)

The seven of cups is one of my favorite cards with one caveat and it's that old chestnut, "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it."

The card shows up when we have options (and sometimes don't even know what those are) and we will eventually need to make decisions, but for the moment, we are still in the dreaming and wishing phase rather than the choosing a path phase. The trouble here is that if we choose blindly, or if we don't have all the information, we end up going in the wrong direction or just running in circles.

While that can be fun, it's not terribly efficient if you're trying to get things done.

So, here's the mission. If you want to indulge in some wishful thinking, by all means, spend a little time in La La land. It is healthy and fun and will even bring you ideas from far flung corners. And those ideas might just change everything.

However, when it comes time to choose among your options and start making those decisions, make sure you have all the information before you embark on a path. If you know exactly what you want, you will walk with purpose and your heart will feel lighter (even if you are a little scared of going for whatever it is you're going for). Fear is fine. It's a sign of change. But when you choose toward your highest good, underneath the fear is excitement and dare I say it, joy. 

It's a knife edge but if we are going to live authentically, it's the only way.

I am reminded of the amazing Anais Nin quote: "And then the day came when the pain of staying tight in a bud became greater than the pain it took to blossom."

Choose among your options toward your highest good and you will blossom.