Just what's so wrong with being centered on ourselves?

I just wrote this as part of a comment on someone else's thread, but to me, it bears repeating.

"There is nothing wrong with having a strong ego. The word ego has gotten a bad rap. It means knowing yourself. It means having a strong sense of identity."

I'm getting tired of the promulgation of this idea that we should not be self-centered or have big/strong egos. There is nothing wrong with being centered on yourself. If you take care of you first, then you will be free and able to help others (notice the second follows the first. I'm not saying we should only be centered on ourselves, but that we should make ourselves a or the priority). If you sacrifice yourself on the altar of helping everyone else, you will burn out. I know this from experience. It was a hard won lesson, and it is one I will never forget. My life is about service to others, but first I have to take care of myself. If I don't, I will eventually burn away.

And as for having a big or healthy ego, I believe that if we all had strong egos, if we all knew ourselves and more importantly accepted those selves (strong egos, strengths, frailties, passions, fears, flaws, and all), the world would be a far more healthy place.

/end rant

Be the Change You Want to See In Yourself

A friend posted the following quote, and I wrote the below in reaction.
--quote--
"Perhaps the source of your discontent lies in your attachment to how things should be instead of accepting how things are.”

--my response--
On many levels, I agree (that whole "be zen and accept where you are thing," yeah, that would be cool). On others, not so much. I feel like agitation or discontentment with what is often make for progress. When I don't like what is, I change it. If do nothing, then I (on some level) become part of the problem.

Now that I'm thinking about it ... yes, there are times when other people are involved that I land in positions where I can't do anything. I've said for a long time that you can't make someone feel something they don't. You can't make them love you. You can't make them feel sympathy for you. You can't make them feel sorry if they hurt you and don't feel sorry for having done so. But, when it is your life or your path you are discontented with, yeah, I think you have a responsibility to yourself to kick your own butt and make the changes you need to make to make things better. I have been going back to that one sentence I read recently that has made things so much more clear and accessible to me. "What is one thing I can do right now to improve my situation?" It might not fix things completely. It might not make a huge difference in the moment. But even a tiny action now can lead to a great shift later.

To me, that's critical.

I believe in those tiny shifts. I believe in becoming aware of patterns. I believe that the smallest action can be revolutionary if it changes how I perceive things because it will ultimately change I see the world and how I behave in it.

So that means I claim responsibility for myself. And that I'm at peace with.

The winding staircase of the road to self-acceptance

After reading a few articles this morning, I came to a dead stop and asked myself an important question. Exactly what am I trying to do when I work to accept myself? I don't mean just the "I'm OK, You're OK," notion. Yes, on many levels, life would be much better if we could all just live and let live and accept that even with all our flaws, we are all okay. But that isn't exactly what I talking about. Tangentially, if we could release some of the inherent guilt so many of us feel when we stop and think of the things we haven't yet accomplished, achieved, or become, life would indeed be much easier (here, I have to add, that accepting that doesn't mean to stop striving). What I was wondering is exactly which momentous battle(s) are we fighting when we trudge through the mine-filled lands of our own inner terrains to come out the other side with the self-perception that we are okay (and dare I say it, wonderful) just as we are?

To me, it does feel like a battle sometimes. I feel like I'm battling demons from my youngest days. I feel there were so many moments in my formative years where I didn't get the support I needed. In fact, I instead received mainly derision and the information that I would never amount to anything. Fighting through those pervasive thoughts took everything I had when I was young. I pushed through and persevered (and learned a lot about my determination in the process), but I have never forgotten and will likely never forget those words left scars. What's more, those words and their results have dictated my behavior in ways that only years of self-study have allowed me to see. I'm still learning to recognize them when they sneak up on me, but I do realize they are there.

The thing is that as I've gotten older, I've put those scars and behaviors in perspective. I've even realized that like a broken bone that has healed stronger where it was shattered, some of the damage inflicted on me has made me stronger and more capable than I otherwise would have been. This in no way excuses the behavior that created my situation, but it does help me handle and deal with the processes that have allowed me to accept many parts of myself.

Over time, I have come to realize that as an adult, my life is my own. I could cry, scream, and rail against the opportunities I didn't get, or the ways I've been changed by how I was treated. In the end though, it would not alter anything. This life, my life, is where I find myself. Today, now, is what my history has brought me. Yes, I could beat my hands bloody against the walls I still face (and of course, I still do have my personal, seemingly impenetrable walls), or I could realize that each wall presents a challenge. It calls on me to rise to it, to scale it, to make it my own. 

As soon as I stake my claim, it ceases to be a wall and becomes a simple step on the winding staircase of my personal journey. Each wall helps me move on to the next phase. It gives me information as to who I am and why I think what I think, feel what I feel, and do what I do. Now, as I make peace with it on some of the deepest levels of my being, I am finding I like that being. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a pretty big deal. 

For years, I buried the unhappy parts of myself. I was the social vortex of my group of friends. I was always ready to raise a ruckus or throw a party, or drive the ten hours each way to run off to New York for the weekend. What I never did was to spend time on introspection. I rose to each challenge not because of what I would learn from it but as way of escaping what I felt about who I was. And what's worse, I let other people dictate to me how I ought to perceive myself. Their opinions, like those of people in my formative years, left me reeling. But I never acted like they did. I acted like it was water off a duck's back. Thing is even if the water flows off, the duck still gets wet, and it took me years to realize that.

When I had differences with people, I let them be vocal. I kept quiet. I didn't raise a hand in my defense. Likely, I should have, because it cost me friendships with people who heard only one side of the story (a post on charismatic drama queen friendships will be coming soon). I am still working through why I didn't stand up for myself, but that tale is one for another day. Interestingly, that paradigm ended up better for me. The people who didn't ask me for my side of the story, the people who didn't want to be friends with me because of what they'd heard, were not the people of my heart, anyway. In the moment, I didn't know that and it hurt, but over the long haul, it was the best possible move. Nowadays, when I spend time with dear loved ones, I know that is what and who they really are. And that is much better.

It has also forged me into a warrior for defending those can't defend themselves and someone who claims the right to be loved and to feel good about myself (encouraging others to do the same about themselves). Do I always succeed? No. Will I keep trying? You bet your ass!

A few years ago, a dear friend was going through trauma with a partner. Part of the problem was that some of his attitudes made her feel insecure and bad about herself. She told me that one night, I came to her in a dream and I said the following words: "Stacy,* if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, get rid of him." Wow, I was thrilled to even be associated with something so badass, even if only in the dream state. If someone in your life is saying or doing things that make you feel less than, then it's time to either take a stand or let that person go. People who undermine your sense of self aren't helpers in your life. They aren't supporters. They are destabilizers. If someone really wants to help you, she or he will tell you the truth, certainly, but will still support you in your struggle. Sometimes, we have to make some bad mistakes in order to learn. Those who love us will still be there even in the aftermath.

A pivotal moment in the movie, "Bridget Jones' Diary" occurs when Mark Darcy tells her he likes her, just as she is. He floors her with that comment. No one has ever said anything like that to her. It is so shocking because it is so rare. And let's face it, how often do any of us hear that?  More importantly, how often do we say it to ourselves? Because that's key, isn't it? In order to truly believe it, accept it, live it, and be it, we need to say it to ourselves!

So, I encourage you to take a second, stand up and away from the computer, and say it aloud to yourself. "I like me, very much, just as I am." And if it feels weird, that's because it is unfamiliar. The more you say it, the more comfortable it will become. And that will make all the difference.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZu2JfM2Aq8 (Bridget Jones' Diary clip)

*Names are changed.

Self-centered or centered on yourself?

Today's cards: Judgment, Four of Pentacles, Three of Rods. Hmm, well, I got a travel card, and I'm traveling today. Anyone else traveling today? If so, take up whatever opportunity you see while you are out and about. Judgment talks to us about making the hard choices, listening to our innermost desires, and taking a stand. It's either a stand for what we believe in or a stand for what we want, but either way, take a stand. Whew, that sounded convoluted. Ultimately, I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you don't stand up for what you want or believe, why should anyone else?


The four of Pentacles is about greed. Now, it can be the grabbing, yucky kind of greed, or it can be the kind of greed that has you being centered on yourself. The phrase self-centered has gotten a really bad rap over the years. In fact, I bet when you read the phrase, you felt a little icky. No one wants to be described that way because it has such a negative connotation. It means you are an egotist (remind me to write about what it means to be an egotist at some point), you're selfish, or you're only concerned about what you want and need. Right? Do you consider that a negative? Being centered on what you want and you need? If not, I say good onya. If so, I'll ask you to think about what's wrong with taking some time to assess what you need and being focused on that. I think most people could use a little more time being centered on what they really need. I believe the surprise would come when many of those people realized that their needs are very different from the surface-level material things most of us think they are. 


In fact, I'd say that if we all spent some time being greedy with ourselves, our time, our thoughts, our feelings, we'd discover that our actual needs are basic and few. The trappings of greed: power, wealth, material possessions, etc., don't tend to truly satisfy. I believe they've done happiness studies of people the world over and they determined that a lot of people in what many would consider to be poor countries, describe themselves as happier than those in countries with a higher per capita income, etc. What seems to be key to happiness are human connections. Alan B. Krueger said, "Much of what contributes to wellbeing happens outside markets." From Gallup's Economics of Happiness, "Though the study of what makes people in societies around the world feel positive about their lives begins with their relative economic status, it doesn't end there." There was a forum on happiness (around the world) and they studied responses from 130 different countries. What they found was there was a correlation between a certain amount of money and happiness, but that was only the beginning. True life satisfaction came from having other types of needs met. And today, I say, focus on that. Besides money, what are other ways you can get life satisfaction? Make a list of what makes you happy. See how many things on that list have nothing to do with what you can buy. And then go grab a few of those things and play.

It's never as bad as it seems inside your head

Today's cards are: Nine of Swords, Two of Rods, and the Sun! Yep, I put an exclamation point at the end of the Sun(!) because it's just that kind of card and something needs to be done about that Nine of Swords.  That Nine of Swords squats inside your head and heart like a miasma. The worry you have doesn't help anything. It doesn't allow you to deal with the dramas and stresses of your life any better. In fact, it takes your focus away from being able to do what you need to do because you're too busy worrying about what you need to do to actually do it well. Here's a paraphrase of a quote that many have said better than I can. It is: "Worry doesn't solve tomorrow's problems; it saps today's joy." Truer words were never written (except perhaps 2+2=4). Really, that fear, that worry, that anxiety, they aren't at all helpful to you in getting anything accomplished. They just take energy away from you so you have less to devote to the very things you are worried about.

And here's the thing: the other two cards in today's draw? They are fabulous! The Two of Rods tells us that the world is ours. We can be bold. We can be original. We can grab life in our hands and fly. And the Sun gives us all the energy and childlike joy to do it.

So, whatever it is that has you worried, today, see if you can release it out into the universe. Stand outside and if it's at all breezy out there, let your anxiety blow away on the wind. Seriously, go outside. Take a break. Stand under the sun. Close your eyes. Take a minute away from all the other stuff going on around you. Whatever hectic pace everyone else has right now, doesn't have to impact you. Stand still and breathe deeply. Listen to the sounds around you. Let them flow over you. Notice and appreciate your feet on the ground. Feel the sun on your face. Come to a place of stillness, and the cares will dissipate.

Oh, you'll still have stuff to do. You'll still need to make plans and carry them out, but worry, that energy vampire, won't make you feel like you're crawling through molasses as you get it all done.