Today's Tarot: Three of Swords (heartache, betrayal, choices)

"Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool. Lovin' both of you is breaking all the rules..."

The Three of Swords always reminds me of the lyrics to this song from the 70s. It feels like you are standing at a crossroads and there are no good choices. In the song, it's about loving two people and needing to decide between them and knowing that whatever you do, someone is going to end up broken hearted. But, this set of choices doesn't have to be about relationships. It can be about whatever choices you face. And when in those situations, often its the chooser who ends up losing because the pain is often overwhelming regardless of which path she or he chooses.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to avoid the pain of heartache or worse, heartbreak, we end up feeling torn in half by whatever occurs in our lives. It sucks but there it is. Heartache is a part of life, especially if we choose to live in the here and now and make choices in the here and now. And worse, sometimes, other people's decisions break our hearts. For example, we don't get the promotion we've worked our butts off for. We cross our fingers, say our prayers and submit a poem to a literary magazine and get rejected. We gather our courage, and audition for a play and don't get cast. We tell someone we love them and get an "Um, I really like you as a friend," in response. Whatever it is, however we have to face rejection because someone else got chosen instead of us, we still need to play the game. It's part of living. However...

There comes a day when the game is too painful and it's time to hang it up. Now, I'm not saying hang it up forever, but I am saying, for the moment, do hang it up. Step away from the ledge. Take time to lick your wounds. Don't try so hard. Protect yourself so you can heal and then come back stronger tomorrow. Don't tilt at so many windmills for the moment, if you find you don't have the energy or the heart for it.

Last night, I was at a pub celebrating a friend's Birthday. In the restroom, I overheard a young woman giving advice to a friend. She said, "Son, if the ho' don't want to be saved, don't try to save the ho'...." I took it to mean that while it's okay to tilt at some/most windmills, sometimes, no matter what you do, things will unravel and you will get hurt. So, don't turn yourself inside out and cause yourself a great deal of pain, trying to help someone who just doesn't want or need your help.

Today, that is what I encourage you to do. If the game is too much, if it's too painful. Walk away, heal, and come back tomorrow to try again.

In the words of the famous movie star, the WOPR or Joshua, "Interesting game. The only winning move is not to play."

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An End to Bullying - Full Stop

I have been reading a bunch of blogs and articles on how we need to stop kids from being bullied because they are gay. Today, especially, there are a few articles because Nate Silver (the statistitian who so accurately predicted Obama's re-election) is gay and the news about it went  public yesterday. So, today, blog posts abound about how he was excoriated in the conservative press (before the election) for being effeminate and small of stature and soft of voice and GAY (though it wasn't publicaly confirmed until yesterday from what I understand).

Silver is just as gay today as he was yesterday and as he was twenty years ago when he was undoubtedly bullied not just for being gay but for being a math geek and for being small and likely for being smart. They fact that he is now publicly out just gives another reason that he might have been (and likely was) bullied as a youngster.

To that end, I am about to write something that might be unpopular with my gay friends and loved ones and with many of my non-gay friends and loved ones who care deeply about equal rights for all people. (Please note: I care very deeply about equal rights for all. The point of the following statement is not to downplay the importance of equal rights for lesbians, gays and others but to shine the light on other aspects of this important issue.)

Here it is: I am tired, way tired, of the focus of various "stop bullying" campaigns being on stopping bullying of gay and lesbian (or any members of the LGBTQ communities) kids. 

We must stop bullying of any kind. You can be absolutely heterosexual but because of your size, religion, accent, intelligence, socio-economic status or a myriad other reasons you might be bullied and hurt, berated, teased, beaten, or worse. Hell, bullies don't need a reason to bully. All they need is for the sun to rise. Often, bullies are misunderstood and frightened themselves, I believe. They have little control in their own lives, perhaps, and dominating or hurting someone smaller or less able to defend themselves gives the bullies a sense of order, power and control. Often, the difference between the bully and the bullied is that the bullies choose to act on those feelings of alienation while the bullied do not. 

Sometimes, bullies are frightened of what they don't know and they lash out by bullying that which is a mystery to them. Somewhere, they've learned a certain amount of fear of the unknown and this is how they act out about it. Sometimes, though, they just like it. They enjoy seeing the pain they inflict on others. How and why people bully others is a mystery of the human mind and I will not go into greater detail on it, here.

While I do understand why the focus of so many blogs and posts is on an end to bullying of people in the LGBTQ community  (in many ways, this is the social issue of our times), I am asking for a shift to a broader scope.  I am calling for an end to bullying. Period. I don't want the focus to be the end to bullying of gays and lesbians. They aren't the only sector of the population being bullied. If the focus on stopping bullies remains on that sector of the population, then what are we doing about all the kids who get bullied every single day for being differently sized or from another place or not wearing the "right" clothes, or for being smart? I want all those groups to have equal representation in the arena. And right now, I feel they don't.

A few years ago a young woman named Tempest killed herself because she was bullied so much about her religion. That should have never happened either. Kids who are fat or short or tall or skinny will often get bullied. Where are their champions? I want them to have equal time in the spotlight of this conversation.

 I feel that when the focus shifts to one main group (though, I am sure many in the LGBTQ community would say that there are many groups in this one sector) then I feel we are leaving out all the other people who are bullied and who need someone to speak for them as well. They, too, need a voice in this conversation. They, too, need to feel safe in the hallways of their schools or out in the streets of their towns. 

This is not a one-pronged issue, although, the current media coverage makes it feel like it is. If we illuminate the various types of bullying that goes on and if we illuminate all the groups of people who get bullied, then we dramatically decrease the amount of bullying that happens in any situation because we proclaim that bullying of any kind will not be tolerated.

If we demand equal treatment for all, then we take a stand for true equality across all colors, sizes, sexual orientations, levels of intelligence, socio-economic statuses and whatever other characteristics that spark bullying. In my mind, that could be a world-altering paradigm shift. It would move us to greater understanding, sympathy, and empathy of those around us.

Treating one another with kindness and respect should extend to all people. How different the world would be if we all did that.

Me Now, Me First, Me Only: The attitude basically sucks.

I'm over it. I'm just over it. I keep thinking that I need to just sit down, shut up, and let everyone else duke it out, but I'm just pissed as hell.

What is wrong with our society that people are hurt by others and it's systematically thought of as okay? What is wrong when people who need help are routinely told they need to take care of themselves? What is wrong when returning veterans end up on the street? What is wrong that when a woman is raped, the police often look to see what she did to deserve it? Was she wearing "slutty" clothes? Was she behaving in a flirtatious manner? Come on! Haven't we learned yet that rape is a crime of violence and not sexuality?

What is wrong with people that we (as a society) regularly abuse children and animals? Even one child or animal abused is one too many. Yet, we hurt those who are defenseless and most need our protection. Is that we feel helpless on some level? Are we angry that we weren't protected? Is the "me first, me now, me only" attitude so pervasive that we step over someone lying in the street and pretend that they aren't even there?

There are many levels to this bizarre narcissistic apathy. And maybe it is that I live in the Washington DC area and there are too many people in too small a space. And maybe it's that the political wheeling and dealing climate has insinuated itself into every aspect of life in this area and that's why people are so rude, only seem to care about their own needs, and don't appear to give a crap about others. Don't get me wrong. I know there are people out there who try and try hard to help. But their voices are quieter, if not silent. They don't tend to toot their own horns and so we don't hear about them. And we certainly don't often give them credit for their selfless acts of quiet heroism.

We hear about the crap and we witness it every day. Heck, just try and drive around the DC Beltway and you'll see plenty of evidence of the "Me Now, Me First, Me Only" paradigm. It's disgusting but you can see it happen again and again.

So, what's to be done? What can each one of us do in this strange narcissistic climate in which we find ourselves? Do we just swallow the bile that comes up when one more person is rude or mean or nasty or cruel? Do we step in and take the chance that we ourselves will get attacked? What if we are the ones being attacked?

The University of Michigan just released the results of a study on how to release anger. They talked about stepping back and pretending to be a fly on the wall so we can release our anger. This whole study was apparently about how to deal with anger in the workplace and they wanted people to have tools in their toolbox that would let them not express their anger and instead calm it down so they wouldn't get in trouble at work. To me, that is a slow, insidious poison. And it perpetuates the idea of worrying more about keeping your head down than demanding respect for your efforts, contributions, and achievements.

Hell, I say, anger can be powerful tool.

What if, instead of swallowing our anger, we told it like it is? What if we stood up and said what we're really thinking? Sure, there would be consequences, but what are the consequences to our psyches if we don't express our feelings? What do we do to ourselves if we allow others to walk all over us?

Is there a middle ground here? Should we even try to walk it?

I've always believed that our emotions sit on a pendulum. They rock to extremes and if we give them enough time, they will settle out somewhere in the middle. I'm starting to wonder if that is the best for us or if that's just the most expedient way to keep our heads down and not make waves? And isn't that what we are often told about the workplace? Don't get in trouble. Don't make waves. Do what you're told. As a worker, I am always free to leave (and have) but I still have to pay for my living expenses and that creates a real fork in the road. Do I swallow my anger so I can keep my job or do I tell it like it is and perhaps wind up out on my butt?

It's something to ponder.

Words to live by: "Say You're Sorry If You Hurt Somebody"

Today, I read a fascinating blot post on the Current Conscience about sensitivity and gaslighting (this terms comes from the Hitchcock movie where a husband tries to drive his wife crazy by setting the gaslights in their home to flicker while he denies that anything is happening). In the post, the author talks about the responses women tend to get about being too sensitive, too emotional, or too dramatic, in situations where they express frustration, sadness or anger about something that has been said to them (often by spouses, bosses, friends, etc). I started thinking about what happens when we hurt each other's feelings.

How often do we apologize right away? Do we apologize immediately, do we need to be convinced that we did indeed hurt the other person's feelings, or do we more often try to deny that we have even hurt that person's feelings to begin with. It's a lot easier to deal with when you place the blame of the issue on the person who raised that issue. It's an apparent escape route, isn't it? If the problem sits with someone else, we don't have to deal with our part in it. Whew.

And how differently do we react when we inflict different kinds of pain on others. For example, if you step on someone's toe, they immediately have a reaction. They might say, "Ow!" or something like it. You get immediate feedback for your actions and you can feel free to apologize and you both move on. For unintentionally inflicted physical pain, it feels pretty easy to say you're sorry and move on. But, emotional pain? Well that's an entirely different story. The infliction of emotional pain is a tricky bugger. That brings up all sorts of stuff inside us. The first of which is often a knee-jerk, "No I didn't. I'm not that kind of person." And so often we want to deny that we could even begin to hurt someone else.

I tend to have a memory like an elephant and so it's challenging for me personally to let go or forget about it if someone has hurt me. Are there others of you out there like that? Do you remember those incidents even though it would be easier/nicer if they would just fade into the background obscurity of your mind and eventually cease to matter? Or do you just eventually see it fade and move on to more fun parts of your life?


So, here's my personal take on it when someone hurts my feelings. If you do or say something that hurts my feelings, and I tell you that my feelings have been hurt, and you don't acknowledge it or address it or validate it, please don't expect that time (and you ignoring the issue) will make things all better. It really won't.

I'd far prefer it if we talk about it and resolve it rather than having it simmer in the background for some indeterminate amount of time. If someone hurts my feelings (and hears about it from me - I'm not expecting mind reading, here) and then apologizes or we at least talk it through, then things can mend very quickly. If that person ignores it or worse tells me it's my fault for being too sensitive, we will have issues.

I believe we all owe each other the validation of our feelings. We all have feelings, but often I believe we are taught at a pretty early age to either bury them or discount them. It's no wonder then that so often when we are faced with having hurt someone's feelings, that we want to turn away, run away, or ignore the entire situation altogether.

On the one hand, we might hesitate to accept that our actions caused someone else pain. On the other hand, when we need to deal with someone else's pain, we have to reach inside for our empathy, and that can be painful for us. Having said that, I still believe we can only improve our relationships if we find the courage to face our own transgressions and our own historical lessons. I am reminded of one of the lines of the poem, "All I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten." "Say you're sorry if you hurt somebody." It's a lesson we ought to have learned early on, but some of either didn't or we have forgotten it. http://www.scrapbook.com/poems/doc/842/36.html